So your girlfriend dumped you because she saw Twilight and realized that if she couldn’t have a love affair like Edward and Bella’s, she’d rather have no love affair at all! Well cheer up buttercup, cuz when she finds out that Mr. PantyPeeler Cullen doesn’t have much to offer in the penis-department, she’ll be begging for a peek at your pecker in no time!

If our sources (i.e. Etsy. The makers of the Manllow) are correct, the man who’s breaking mortal hearts all over the world with his chalk-white skin may not only be devoid of a pecker, he also appears to be an amputee from the pecks down!!! That’s right ladies, you’re favourite blood-sucking heartthrob is just a pair of arms and some sweet pectorals; and no matter how sweet they are, we’re not sure that’s enough to keep any woman happy(unless you’re really into fisting)! And if that isn’t enough to send any girl running back into the arms of her previous lover, it appears that Edward Cullen is in reality just a failed Jason Priestly lookalike with a bizarre mole above his lip *gasp*. Its a sad day in Forks, for all Edward Cullen fans. However, for all you dudes who’ve ever cursed your small prick, today may be your lucky day!

The Edward Cullen Manllow is available at Etsy for $15USD.

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